marriage

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Gay Marriage Ruined My Life: A Right Wing Fairy Tale

Published June 26, 2015 by April Fox

I don’t know where to begin with this.

One year, six months, and five days ago, I got straight married. This morning, that marriage is over, the sanctity of it ripped apart by the selfish ruling of the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

The Court has ruled that states no longer have the right to deny same-sex couples the right to marry.

I now have to find someone to gay marry. My husband does, as well. All across America, straight marriages are falling apart in the same way, as men and women wake up side by side and find out that they can no longer be represented by those great historical figures, Adam and Eve. They now must be Adam and Steve, or Eve and… I don’t know, what female name rhymes with Adam? I’m sure some good right wing fundamentalist will figure that out soon enough. It’s not important now.

The children born of these same-sex unions will grow up to be gay as well, and they’ll make little gay babies who will make little gay babies when they grow up, and that will no doubt lead to countless abortions and an increase in welfare and food stamp fraud.

Ministers will be forced to perform gay marriages in their now-gay churches, because everyone knows that when the gays get married, they’re all about forcing a disagreeable old bigot to perform the ceremony, rather than enlisting the services of a more supportive officiant.

Standardized test scores will plummet. I don’t know why, but as long as we’re blaming gay marriage for the downfall of society, I think that fits, don’t you?

The reality, of course, is that none of that happened. None of that will happen.

The reality is that I woke up to the news, ran down the stairs, told my child, danced around the house a little, ran up the stairs again, woke my husband to tell him, and instead of declaring his intentions for divorce, he smiled, hugged me, and went back to sleep. He’s still here, lying in bed behind me, awake now. I just checked-he confirms that we are still straight married, and are going to stay straight married. Our sanctity is intact, thank you very much.

There are still states where it is illegal for gay couples to adopt. This ruling could potentially open the door to positive changes there, providing more loving homes for children whose parents are unable to care for them. (By the way, if you see this as a bad thing and still label yourself pro-life, you’re a rotten little hypocrite, you know.)

Marriage equality can only change things for the better. There is truly no possible detriment to society as a result.

Really. There isn’t.

You can give me your biblical grounds, and I can shoot right back with my own verses that show your hypocrisy, and I can throw some logic on top of it, and you won’t listen anyway, if that’s your argument. Your religion fits you; it is not one size fits all. You have the absolute right not to gay marry, if it’s against your religion. Really, try it. Go find a gay person. Ask if they want to get gay married to you. If they say yes, then you say “Ha ha, just kidding, social experiment!” and watch what happens. (Nothing happens.) They’ll probably just think you’re kind of an asshole, and kind of crazy, but that’s really just confirming what we already knew. You won’t be dragged kicking and screaming to some tacky Vegas chapel where you’ll be forced to get gay married by a guy in Liberace drag, against a backdrop of glitter, show tunes, and a life-sized RuPaul cutout. Promise.

I’ve heard the argument that gay marriage is bad for children.

Let me tell you what’s bad for children. BAD MARRIAGES. When kids witness unhealthy relationships between adults, no matter their sex, that’s bad. When kids witness healthy relationships between adults, no matter their sex, that’s good.

I’ve heard the argument that gay marriage means exposing kids to gay sex. “Shoving it in their faces,” the fundies like to say.

I don’t know about you guys, but my kids aren’t anywhere around when I’m having sex. I would bet that’s the same in most families, whether the parents are gay or straight. So I guess the question now is, what are you perverts doing in front of your kids that makes you think that kids in families with gay parents are sitting around watching them have sex all the time?

Someone should look into that.

The sun is shining, this morning. I can hear birds singing. I can hear a bee buzzing outside my window, and the occasional cow saying hello. It’s the same as any other day, except that now, my friends who happen to be gay are finally recognized as human beings by the Supreme Court of the United States.

Nothing else has changed.

If you think that this ruling is going to damage your own straight marriage, you need to look into the real issues there. Good luck to you.

aclu love wins

The Epic Battle Between Bassist and Insect (That was really neither epic, nor a battle)

Published September 5, 2012 by April Fox

It’s not a secret that beloved doesn’t like insects. He will kill them, and I believe he actually enjoys the process, when the electric bug-zapping fly swatter is charged. It is not charged at the moment, and herein lies the problem.

We have errands to run today. Beloved was going to take a shower first, until he spotted a giant mutant wasp in the bathroom. Shower aborted; beloved returns to the bedroom.

Me: We have to go soon. Do you want me to kill the stupid wasp?

Him [Looking adorable in his plaid flannel bathrobe, like some baby-faced resident of The Home for Senile Musicians, lucky for him]: Yes please.

Me: [Sigh] What would you do if you were single?

Him: I don’t know…

Me: You’d kill it.

Him: Possibly… [Note: he totally would have. This is a guy who hiked the Appalachian Trail solo. He would not have surrendered his bathroom to an inch-long insect, mutant or not.]

Me: You know, women get married because they want someone to snuggle up and fall asleep on every night. Men get married because they don’t want to be grown-ups anymore.

Him: [Glare]

Fast-forward till after I looked for the wasp and did not find it, and told the darling bearded bathrobed one that the coast was clear. He comes walking through the house, finally prepared to shower and get on with the day, now that we have like, an hour and a half to get everything done. As he steps into the kitchen, I hear a blood-curdling shriek.

Me: WHAT?

Him: I found the wasp!

Me: Did you kill it?

Him: Does it sound like I killed it?

Me: OK, so pretend you’re not married. What would you do then?

…So he drops his robe.

It’s a good thing he’s cute. Seriously.

*It should be noted that, were he home alone with the kids and there was a wasp in the house, he’d have stomped the little fucker into oblivion by now.

Amendment One

Published May 9, 2012 by April Fox

i feel as if
amendment one
is being read by the light of a bulb
shining through the skins
of my family, friends-
my children.

how can you cry your careful,
scripted tears over the loss of a life
not yet started
and tell the child before you
that his life means less than yours?

pro-life, and yet you spit
your prejudice and bile into the faces of your neighbors
fight to take away
their right to life

how easy is it for you to waste your righteous hours
combing through the verses in your book
tossing bits and pieces into piles by the side
over here are things that we’ll ignore
over here is where we make the condemnation pile

you gossip in the grocery aisles
while you shop for pork and tampons
maybe lobster for the anniversary of when you stopped
fucking behind the back
of the god that you adore

dip your razor in the baptismal pool
round the edges of your beard
shave your scalp clean
watch your faith fall to the floor

wine-drunk in the mornings
cannibalizing christ and if his body was inside you
you would see where you are wrong.

slave-owner, whore
if i were bible-bound like you
i could whip you while you cleaned my floors
then sell you for your meat
so your body could be violated
like your conscience must have been.

Why I Voted Against Amendment One

Published May 8, 2012 by April Fox

This is what my life looks like:

I am an adult heterosexual female. I live with an adult heterosexual male. We have expressed, both verbally and through the way we live, our commitment to each other. We each wear a ring that symbolizes that commitment. We share responsibilities: grocery shopping, bills, housework-though I will say that the housework sharing could use a little work. When I go off to my other job, the man that I live with cares for my children. He cooks dinner, makes sure medicine is dispensed on time, tends to cuts and scrapes and hurt feelings, gets them to necessary appointments. When the boys had a friend over and were immersed in a video game, he noticed that my daughter seemed to be feeling lonely, so he sat and kept her company while she watched her silly tween-girl Disney programs-not exactly prime viewing for a Star Trek-obsessed musician, but he made sure she had someone to hang out with. He’s never been an athlete, but when my son wanted to go to the baseball field and practice today, they went together, biking there and then stopping for ice cream on the way back. On my first day at a new job recently, he surprised me at work with the kids, and they took me out to lunch.

We watch movies with the kids, go to the park and the playground, take our little dog hiking, have cookouts and birthday parties and family meetings about chores. My children are lucky: they have a mother who loves them, a father who loves them, AND significant adults in their parents’ respective lives who love them.

A marriage license in our county costs $60. That’s not a lot of money for some people, but for us it’s a week’s worth of gas-a month and a half of dance lessons for baby girl-a rare meal out for all of us-new shoes for the boys… it’s not money that we have to spare. We choose to spend that money on things that we need, rather than a piece of paper that says we’re married. I’m opposed to legal marriage for reasons other than the cost: the fact that my gay friends are denied that right makes me reluctant to take advantage of it, and our government is so corrupt in so many other ways, I have no desire whatsoever to seek their approval of my relationship.

If passed, Amendment One would make it impossible for my children to get health insurance under my partner’s plan, if he got a job that offered it. That would mean they’d either have to stay on the state plan, costing taxpayers money, or they’d go uncovered. If something happened to him and he was in the hospital with visitation restricted to family only, the children he cares for and loves like his own wouldn’t be able to visit. If I became incapacitated and a decision had to be made about ending my life or keeping me alive via machine, that burden would be placed on my older two children, who are barely adults. I can’t imagine having to make that decision for my mother now, much less at age 18 or 20. The person to whom I am closest, who knows me better than anyone else, would have no legal right to ensure that my wishes were followed-he wouldn’t even be allowed in to say goodbye, under Amendment One. Those rights would only be offered to people who are legally married, and to the children of those unions.

Let’s look at some hypothetical situations: A woman is married to an abusive man who cheats on her and leaves her for another woman, but will not sign divorce papers. Some time later, the woman is in a healthy relationship with a man who treats her well. The woman is in an accident and is hospitalized in critical condition-only family are allowed to visit. Supporters of Amendment One believe it’s okay that the woman’s estranged and abusive husband could visit her-but the man who cares for her could not.

A child is raised from infancy by a man who acts as his father, in every way. The child calls the man “Dad” and has no contact with his biological father. Supporters of Amendment One don’t believe that that child has a right to say goodbye to the only father he’s ever known on his hospital deathbed.

A woman becomes terminally ill. Supporters of Amendment One believe that her parents, who cursed at her and threw her out of their home when she revealed that the name of the person she loved was Ann, not Adam, should be allowed to visit her and make end-of-life decisions, but Ann, with whom she has lived and been in love for 15 years, should not.

Supporters of Amendment One believe that children are only entitled to healthcare if their parents are legally married.

Supporters of Amendment One believe that a $60 piece of paper means more than the way a couple cares for each other.

Supporters of Amendment One believe that my friends, a gay couple who have been together for 13 years, don’t deserve the right to marry-but that the heterosexual barhop and the abusive crackhead with whom she hooked up and drunkenly agreed to marry two days ago, after he beat her and threatened to kill her dog, do.

Supporters of Amendment One believe that their religious beliefs trump the civil rights of anyone who doesn’t believe as they do, and that the lives of those who are different not in thought or in action but by virtue of an inherent trait that they cannot control are worth less than their own.

Supporters of Amendment One remind me a whole lot of a puny little asshole named Adolf, and that is why I voted against it, and will continue to fight similar legislation until we defeat this bigotry, ignorance and hate.

 

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