So I like this Bob Morris guy. In case you don’t know who he is, he’s the Indiana* state representative who wrote a hilarious letter claiming that Planned Parenthood and the Girl Scouts are in cahoots, plotting to corrupt the lives of young girls and turn them into raving sex fiends. [When I was a kid, my mother used to accuse me of being In Cahoots all the time. Coincidentally, I was also a Girl Scout. No comment on whether I grew up to be a raving sex fiend.]
Apparently, Bob Morris is also a comedian-and a good one. I mean, nobody could say something like that and actually mean it, right? Admittedly, there may be a grain of truth to some of what he’s saying. When I was in Girl Scouts, we spent a lot of time around campfires, singing songs. 30 years later, where did I find myself? Next to a campfire, making out with the long-haired bass player for a psychedelic rock band. Two days later, he corrupted the hell out of my morals, and now we’re happily living in sin. You know whose fault that is? That’s right: those heathen hussies in green sashes and perky berets. Still, much of what Bob is saying is clearly a joke; it’s too contradictory and ridiculous to be anything else.
One of the points he makes is that the Girl Scouts are teaching girls to become lesbians. [I must have been sick the day they gave out the Making Out With Another Girl badges. Thanks to that pesky stomach bug, I’m now hopelessly hetero.] His other point is that they’re pushing a pro-abortion agenda.
Um, Bob? When boys and girls do it, it can create a scenario that might cause someone to think about abortion. It’s called getting pregnant. When two girls do it, it’s just called That Thing You Wish Your Wife Would Do Just Once Please God Don’t You Ever Answer My Prayers I Just Want To Watch. God created abortion because of what HETEROS do. If you need more information about hetero sex and how things work, please click here. I’m not really comfortable explaining it to you, since I don’t know you that well.
Bob obviously knows his stuff. The facts he presented are based on “a small amount of web-based research.” Oh, Bob. I can do that too. I did a small amount of web-based research myself, and it indicates that you’re this guy, or maybe the guy who smuggled meth in a cat food bag. Driving drunk AND smuggling meth? Shame on you. Maybe your letter wasn’t a joke after all-maybe you just got a bad batch of drugs. If you were serious, that’s about the best way I can think to explain it .
*I’ve been asked to point out that not everyone in Mr. Morris’s district is as appallingly ignorant as he is. This is obviously true. Very few people anywhere are as appallingly ignorant as Bob Morris.