bob morris

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Just When You Think Bob Morris Has Reached the Pinnacle of Stupidity…

Published February 23, 2012 by April Fox

A few days ago, Bob Morris wrote a letter accusing the Girl Scouts of hooking up with Planned Parenthood [ha, see what I did there?] to turn young girls into slutty lesbians who will somehow get knocked up during same-sex romps, thus requiring the need for extensive abortion services.

Yeah, THAT makes sense, Bob.

He apologized today-sort of. What he really said was, “Sorry so many people were able to read the letter I wrote. I didn’t mean for my intellectual deficiency to be made public in this manner. I usually only share my paranoid delusions with my closest friends and colleagues. Oh, and by the way, the Girl Scouts are still just a bunch of horny homo breeders.”

Morris made it quite clear that he will not support policies that promote sex education and reproductive health services for young women. Here’s a direct quote from his latest letter:  “Girl Scouts USA is also the founding and largest member of the World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts (“WAGGGS”). Money raised by Girl Scouts USA is used to support WAGGS. As you can see from the link on its own website,, WAGGS openly promotes sex education and access to contraception and other “sexual and reproductive health services” for young people. I cannot, in good conscience, honor an organization that supports such policies.”

In good conscience? Really, Bob? I’m not sure you quite understand the meaning of that phrase. Or the meaning of sex education or reproductive health, either, for that matter. Sex education doesn’t mean you’re teaching people how to have sex. [That’s what those videos in the back of your closet are for.] It means you’re teaching people how to behave safely and responsibly when they DO have sex. I don’t know the numbers on this, but I’m certain that the vast majority of human beings have sex at some point in their lives. [I’m sorry, Bob, is “sex” too scary a word for you? Would you prefer I used a softer phrase, like Becoming One or Oh God Do I Really Have to See A Woman Naked Again, Please God Why Did You Order Us to Procreate? Eh, screw it, “sex” is easier to type.] Sex education, when done properly, teaches young people-who are born with their reproductive organs, by the way; they’re not issued at the first Girl Scout meeting along with the beanie and the knee socks-how to be safe. It teaches them about sexually transmitted diseases, and how to prevent them. It teaches them about preventing pregnancy. If done properly, it teaches them that their bodies are their own and they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to.

Reproductive health is simply health related to the reproductive system. I don’t know what kind of perverted weirdo you are, but most people understand that having reproductive organs doesn’t mean you’re out fornicating with every biped that crosses your path. Sometimes young women have problems with their reproductive organs that have nothing to do with sexual activity. [That’s what your wife probably refers to as “female trouble.” That doesn’t mean she’s out of butter and eggs, sweetheart.]

So basically, Bob, you’re telling us that you can’t support policies that enable young women to be physically healthy, emotionally safe, and aware of their own bodies so that they can remain physically healthy and emotionally safe.

Good to know, Bob Morris. Thanks for your honesty.

Bob Morris, I Love You-In a Totally Homosexual Way

Published February 22, 2012 by April Fox

So I like this Bob Morris guy. In case you don’t know who he is, he’s the Indiana* state representative who wrote a hilarious letter claiming that Planned Parenthood and the Girl Scouts are in cahoots, plotting to corrupt the lives of young girls and turn them into raving sex fiends. [When I was a kid, my mother used to accuse me of being In Cahoots all the time. Coincidentally, I was also a Girl Scout. No comment on whether I grew up to be a raving sex fiend.]

Apparently, Bob Morris is also a comedian-and a good one. I mean, nobody could say something like that and actually mean it, right? Admittedly, there may be a grain of truth to some of what he’s saying. When I was in Girl Scouts, we spent a lot of time around campfires, singing songs. 30 years later, where did I find myself? Next to a campfire, making out with the long-haired bass player for a psychedelic rock band. Two days later, he corrupted the hell out of my morals, and now we’re happily living in sin. You know whose fault that is? That’s right: those heathen hussies in green sashes and perky berets. Still, much of what Bob is saying is clearly a joke; it’s too contradictory and ridiculous to be anything else.

One of the points he makes is that the Girl Scouts are teaching girls to become lesbians. [I must have been sick the day they gave out the Making Out With Another Girl badges. Thanks to that pesky stomach bug, I’m now hopelessly hetero.] His other point is that they’re pushing a pro-abortion agenda.

Um, Bob? When boys and girls do it, it can create a scenario that might cause someone to think about abortion. It’s called getting pregnant. When two girls do it, it’s just called That Thing You Wish Your Wife Would Do Just Once Please God Don’t You Ever Answer My Prayers I Just Want To Watch. God created abortion because of what HETEROS do. If you need more information about hetero sex and how things work, please click here. I’m not really comfortable explaining it to you, since I don’t know you that well.

Bob obviously knows his stuff. The facts he presented are based on “a small amount of web-based research.”  Oh, Bob. I can do that too. I did a small amount of web-based research myself, and it indicates that you’re this guy, or maybe the guy who smuggled meth in a cat food bag. Driving drunk AND smuggling meth? Shame on you. Maybe your letter wasn’t a joke after all-maybe you just got a bad batch of drugs. If you were serious, that’s about the best way I can think to explain it .

*I’ve been asked to point out that not everyone in Mr. Morris’s district is as appallingly ignorant as he is. This is obviously true. Very few people anywhere are as appallingly ignorant as Bob Morris.

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