christianity

All posts in the christianity category

Here We Go With the War On Christmas Again…

Published December 7, 2016 by April Fox

How long ago did I write that thing about how saying “Happy holidays” meant you were a child of Satan? It’s been a few years, but we’re still dealing with people who take some kind of personal offense to being greeted that way rather than with “Merry Christmas.” Now, Donald Trump is being hailed as a hero for giving the country permission to say “Merry Christmas” again. Just when you thought life couldn’t get any more weird.

“Expect a mad run on Christmas cards and stocking stuffers in stores across the nation, as Donald Trump has officially been declared the victor in the War on Christmas… It’s unclear exactly how long Christians have been unable to celebrate Christmas in the US, or how the war got started. Perhaps it was when Barack Obama refused to have a Christmas tree in the White House. Oh wait, that never happened…”

Orphans.

Published February 18, 2016 by April Fox

We are all God’s children, black
white, brown
No, not black, not white
certainly not brown; those are the ones with the bombs
even though they are the ones
who most closely resemble
Jesus
Christ
on a cross; we are all
God’s children
wrapped in His loving arms
unless your loving arms are a woman’s arms, wrapped around
another, palm cupped against her
labia
for comfort while you sleep
We are all God’s children
sending you fags
to hell
We are all God’s children; suffer the little ones
unto Him
except the tired ones, the hungry ones, the ones
with holes in their socks and underwear worn thin as tissue, handed down
from older siblings
gunned down in the street
Those are nobody’s children, and they should have
their heads impaled
on the steps of the social service building
as reminders to their parents
who forgot to pursue the
Great
American
Dream
We are all God’s children, created in
His image,
plastic breasts and silicone lips and limbs torn from bodies
in the desert
dying for
[the sins of man for power for the almighty]
your country, protecting
your freedom
Blessed are the meek
for they shall inherit
the fear.

Mid January three something indecent deity

Published January 17, 2016 by April Fox

There are ghosts in every corner 

Tapping holes into their faces with their 

Broken fingernails 

This is a place where when the stars come down

They change their course and keep 

The sideways dark

Look out the light

Will make you blind

And the holes keep growing bigger

The skin around the edges chapped and raw 

The mouths below grotesque with screaming 

Never and regret

The hands of god are softly, sweetly

Masturbating to the sight. 

On Beliefs, and Why They’re Irrelevant

Published December 10, 2015 by April Fox

Belief: n:

  1. a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing

  2. something believed; especially :  a tenet or body of tenets held by a group

  3. conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon especially when based on examination of evidence¬† –Merriam Webster.

There seems to be some confusion lately about the importance of beliefs. We have people running around spouting all kinds of cruel, nasty, ugly, misinformed shit that makes no sense at all, and another group of people (often overlapping) running around spouting all kinds of shit about how it’s okay to spout the crazy shit because we have to respect everyone’s beliefs. It’s okay to want to marginalize and demonize and actually physically harm people because your beliefs say it’s okay, right?

Except the reality is, we don’t really have to respect anyone’s beliefs, unless by “respect” you mean “ignore,” because BELIEFS DON’T MATTER.

Beliefs are opinions. They’re feelings. They don’t make a darn bit of difference because they live inside your head and nobody else is in there but you. Now, beliefs can influence behavior, and that’s something you have to worry about.

For example, let’s say you believe you’re a rottweiler. You believe this because you like to try and chew on your feet, and you chased a cat once, and you have black hair and cute little brown eyebrows. Or just because someone told you when you were a kid that if you didn’t believe you were a rottweiler, you were going to burn up in a fiery pit for ever and ever and ever. It doesn’t matter why you believe it, you just do, and that’s cool. You can post pictures of your Kibbles n’ Bits dinner all over social media, people might think it’s kind of strange, but you’re not hurting anyone. If someone asks why you believe you’re a rottweiler, you can tell them, and share that belief with anyone you like. You can choose to wear a spiked collar because they look cool as shit on a rottweiler (and also on some people, although I haven’t worn mine in years). You can even bark when someone knocks on the door, if you want. You might scare away the pizza guy, but then again, he might just drop the box and run, and free pizza is awesome, even when you’re a dog.

Here’s where it gets tricky.

You believe that you’re a rottweiler, and you start trying to force restaurants to stop serving things like soysage souffle (soysage is a thing, I’m not even kidding) and serve Kibbles n’ Bits instead because Kibbles n’ Bits is the only good thing to eat. You want to close down the cathouses and terrariums and turn everything into a dog park because you’re a rottweiler and rottweilers are better than other animals. You start humping people’s legs and pissing on their tires and all of a sudden your beliefs are making you act batballs motherfucking crazy and it’s not about respecting your beliefs at all, it’s about get your red rocket off my leg, you fucking asshole.

And so now imagine that scenario applied to people. That’s what’s happening all over America right now: people are letting their beliefs, to which they are one hundred percent entitled, turn them into raging leg-humping tire-pissing jackholes, and we’re all sitting around going “no no, it’s just my leg, it’ll wash off, because we have to respect everyone’s beliefs.

Respecting other people’s beliefs has not a single goddamn thing to do with letting people be mean to each other, letting them be racist or xenophobic or homophobic or any other fucking euphemism you want to use to sugarcoat the reality which is that some people are fucking mean-spirited jerks and you don’t get to use your beliefs to get away with that shit.

Mutual respect is always good. Being considerate of others is wonderful. We live in a huge, diverse community, and that’s a beautiful thing. It’s lovely to be supportive and understanding of things that are important to the people around us, including their systems of belief. But it is just as important to make sure people know that it is not okay to use your beliefs as launchpads for your prejudice and hate.

Now go fetch my slippers and quit humping my leg, you fucking nut.

 

 

Happy Holidays (Operative Word: Happy.)

Published November 30, 2015 by April Fox

I used to work with children at the local Jewish Community Center. When I first started there, a little guy who was especially, let’s say, spirited, was leaving at the end of a particularly challenging Friday. He was a smart, sweet little boy, intent on testing his boundaries with the new teacher, and had given me a pretty killer headache by the time his mom picked him up. He had just gone out the door, the last kid to leave, when he poked his head back in the room and said, “Shabbat Shalom, Miss April!” Twenty minutes earlier he had been calling me a poop and refusing to put the scissors away. And now here he was, wishing me well, even though I was undoubtedly a great big meanie scissors-controlling poop.

I’m not Jewish. I don’t celebrate the Jewish Sabbath, or any Sabbath. The words “Shabbat Shalom” by themselves mean little to me. They are words from a language I don’t understand. But when they were spoken by a little boy in the spirit of love and friendship, they were priceless. When my coworkers said those words at the end of the week, I returned them, because I meant them: Have a safe weekend. Have a happy Friday. Peace. Love. I wish you well.

All of this Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas nonsense is a matter of pride and semantics, nothing more. There is no war on Christmas. Nobody is trying to snatch the Christmas tree out of your front window, or waiting by the mailbox with a Sharpie, ready to steal your Christmas cards and replace your greeting with “Happy Holidays.” Santa’s not going to put coal in your stocking if you smile at someone and return their greeting, even if they didn’t phrase it just the way you would.

The world is a really big place, with a lot of really cool people in it. Some of them celebrate the same holidays you do. Some of them have the same skin tone you do. Some of them call their God by the same name you call yours. And some of them don’t. That doesn’t make their words of love, peace, and hope into something malicious and ugly.

When someone chooses to use their words to share a message of joy with you and you take offense to the words rather than appreciating the message, when you slap away a hand held out in friendship because of a minor linguistic difference, you are the offensive thing. You are the one spreading a message of ugliness and despair. As long as the words are given with love, it’s one message with dozens of beautiful translations.

So with that being said-Happy holidays to you, from your favorite great big meanie scissors-controlling poop. It’s been a beautiful year.

* If you’re looking for the snarky, rotten, profanity-laced version of this that I published a few years ago, it’s right here, you cranky heathen. Merry effin’ Xmas, yo.

I Don’t Care About Kim Davis’s Sordid Past

Published September 3, 2015 by April Fox

Kim DavisThe big news this afternoon is that Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk of court who was refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples, has been arrested. Leading up to her arrest, the Internet was a constant flood of information and memes calling her out for her sordid past. Davis has reportedly been married several times, bore children by one man while married to another, had them adopted by a third man (did I get that right?) and then divorced the one guy and remarried one of the first guys. It’s pretty confusing, and it certainly makes it easy to poke fun at a woman who claims to be standing firm in defense of “Biblical marriage.” But does it matter? Not in the least.

Is Kim Davis a hypocrite? No doubt. But a large majority of Christians are in one way or another, and–news flash–it’s not a big deal.

It doesn’t make sense to cry foul because Davis is using her religion to condemn others, and then condemn her by the same standard. I get that she’s the last person in the world who should be talking about the sanctity of marriage, and she’s kind of an evil cunt, and she has really bad hair and looks like she could use a long nap and some strong coffee, and maybe a Xanax or 12. This is not a happy woman, and she is determined to take it out on someone. And bless her heart, she’s gotten herself in pretty deep now, hasn’t she? But we’re all kind of missing the point here:

Separation of church and state.

That means us too. If we’re going to be grown-ups about this and make a compelling argument for what is right, we have to judge Davis by the same standards we expect her to use. The problem is not that Kim Davis seems to be really bad at making wise relationship decisions. It isn’t that she went through a series of divorces and then found religion; it’s fairly common, I think, for people to find religion later in life and go a bit overboard with it. (Don’t believe me? Come visit Asheville and see how many middle-aged women you meet in flowy skirts with constant prayer hands and stream-of-consciousness rambling about the Universe and the Spirit and Manifesting all manner of shit like rent money and a man who can rock a beard and a purse at the same time. We embrace new ideas with a passion, and that’s totally normal.) The problem is that she’s using religion to break a secular law and to deny service to people who are entitled to it under that secular law.

Her religion DOES NOT MATTER.

It needs to be taken out of the equation. I don’t care if she’s Miley Cyrus or the Virgin Mary during her off hours. What matters is what she’s doing on the clock. She’s becoming a martyr for the cause, and while we can all agree that she’s a pretty nasty human being for doing what she’s doing, the attention she’s getting for it is bolstering the confidence of other bigots, giving them the [lily-white Good Christian] balls to spout off the same shit she’s spewing.

Our stance should not be, “She’s not even a good Christian herself!” but “It doesn’t matter her religion, she isn’t doing her job.” Get her out of there, give the job to someone who is capable of fulfilling the responsibilities thereof, and let her see that really, truly, her religious beliefs don’t matter to anyone but her. This isn’t a matter of “She can’t do this because she broke Biblical law too,” it’s a matter of “She can’t do this because she’s breaking a federal law and ignoring the requirements of her job.” That’s all.

A Love Letter to Pat Robertson

Published August 1, 2015 by April Fox

The lights are on in your great glass house
but there’s nothing there to see.

Your eyes are glued to the man next door,
face pressed against his window in a gruesome caricature,
bulging against the panes, lashes wet with lust and your palms
nailed tight
to the cross
you wear like a brace
to straighten out
your prejudice

and the holes bleed out, slick sweat and muddy feet and the ones below
are drinking
from the filthy wounds
like turning vomit
into wine.

You are the keeper of everything;
you are the arbiter of every
sinful thrust

and your disciples gather close and wait
for the baptism to start.

IMG_8200

%d bloggers like this: