Friends, our nation is in crisis. We’re facing serious hard times, and we have to take action now if we ever hope to recover. I’m not talking about the epidemic of homelessness or the vast number of people dying due to inaccessible health care. I’m not talking about the deplorable state of veterans’ affairs, or even the appalling number of children who go to bed hungry every night — if those little fuckers wanted to eat, they could get jobs like the rest of us, right? Bootstraps and all that, noses to the grindstone. No, the crisis I’m talking about is much more urgent and far more terrifying than dead babies and frozen old people. I hope you’re sitting down for this:
Starbucks didn’t make Jesus cups.
Yep, you read that right. Starbucks didn’t make Jesus cups.
Told you it was bad. How are we going to remember that Jesus is the Reason For the Season while we’re sipping our overpriced burnt-bean mochafrappalattewhatthefuckever if we don’t have a Jesus cup?
The fuck do you expect us good God-fearing Christians to do? Look at the Angel Tree in the mall and think about giving to others? Nobody has time for that shit; Bath and Body Works has a sale and besides, those people will just take the presents and sell them for crack anyway. You think we have time to pause and reflect on our many blessings this time of year? No we do not, we’re too busy shopping for just the right dress to wear to Christmas Eve services (hey, when you only go to church twice a year, you better look good for God). This time of year is all about Christmas, and if Starbucks is going to insist on serving us coffee in plain old red and green Christmas cups (which are not even actual Christmas colors, except they totally are) then we’re going to be forced to go home, rip down our Christmas lights, burn down our Christmas trees, send poor plastic Baby Manger Jesus to the orphanage, the plastic camels to the zoo, and the plastic wise men to the homeless shelter up the street, and then set out a sign in the front yard that says “Sorry Grinch, Starbucks already stole Christmas” and then as Mike Binkley would say, the whole world will go to hell in a handbasket.
And we have to do all of that ripping and burning and orphanaging without coffee because Starbucks hates Christmas.
I hope you’re ready, friends. I hope you’re armed in this war against Christmas: armed with your misplaced anger and your sense of vulgar entitlement, armed with your lack of consideration for anyone who doesn’t march in line with your own particular dogma, armed with your contempt for anyone who believes differently than you. Because that’s like totally how Jesus would fight this shit.
If you’re that concerned about the colors on your paper cup of cappuccino, shut the fuck up and buy your coffee somewhere else and let the rest of us heathens enjoy our coffee while we’re out doing the Christian deeds you assholes are too goddamn self-centered to do yourselves.