Why Saying “Happy Holidays” Proves that You’re a Child of Satan

Published December 5, 2012 by April Fox

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You know what sucks?

People wanting you to be happy, but not expressing it in exactly the way you think they should. Seriously, there’s nothing worse than exchanging cursory pleasantries with another person and having them wish you well in totally the wrong way.

It’s that time of year, folks. Peace and love, joy and hallelujah, all that mess and egg nog too. (Which, by the way, makes me vomit, so please don’t try to convince me that it’s delicious and I’ll like it and I should really try it again, for real, it’s great. It’s not great. It smells precisely the way it did when I puked it all over my grandma’s breakfast bar when I was 3, and I’m quite certain that it tastes the same, too.) Anyway, by peace and love and joy et cetera, what I really mean is a bunch of crazy people fighting over the latest battery-operated hunk of trendy obnoxiousness and getting pissed off because other people–and corporations, even–have the audacity to spew disgusting profanities such as… wait, wait. Herd the children out of the room, folks, and if you’re faint of heart, you might want to quit reading because this is some SERIOUS LANGUAGE… are you ready?

Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you: People are out there telling other people–in public!–“Happy Holidays.”

That’s right. “Happy Holidays,” rather than “Merry Christmas.” How fucking offensive is that? We celebrate Christmas in America, not “holidays.” Next thing you know, you’ll be trying to tell us that Christmas is a holiday, like those other days with all the candles and the multiple days and the Anti-Christ and such. From there, it’s not a far stretch to saying that “Merry” and “Happy” mean kind of the same thing. And from there, folks, utter chaos. We live in a country where it should be assumed, without question, that every single person we encounter is of the Christian persuasion, or if not Christian, they at least have the good sense to celebrate Christmas and not one of those ungodly other days. One of those damn holidays, as they like to call them.

I know in some places, folks would be happy to hear a pleasant greeting, regardless of semantics. People might actually mistakenly assume that “Happy Holidays” meant something nice, something kind, something along the lines of, “Hey, whatever you celebrate, I hope you’re happy doing it.” And that, dear friends, is just WRONG. Around here, complaining about someone saying something nice to you doesn’t make you look like a big jackass, no matter what anyone else says (all those heathens with their “logic” and “compassion,” am I right?). It makes you a fine, upstanding American, a good Christian who knows that neither of those things have a got-damn thing to do with diversity or kindness.

Everyone knows Jesus is the Reason for the Season (no really, it has nothing to do with the Earth’s tilt on its axis or anything, you know, scientific like that) and Jesus was all about forcing everyone to acknowledge the holiday that his esteemed followers jacked from the Pagans, slapping his name on it like some cheesy “NEW AND IMPROVED!” sticker on a bottle of cheap detergent. I’m pretty sure it says in the Bible even (right after the part about God hating homosexuals and being down with protesting funerals) “thou shalt not patronize a discount store in which the employees speaketh such sin as ‘Happy Holidays’.”

So for all of you like-minded folks out there, I wish you the opposite of this nasty phrase: a most unhappy holiday. And for those of you with a bit of sense about it, I wish you happy holidays, merry Christmas, blessed Yule, happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and whatever else you might choose to celebrate in this month of–yes, I’m going to say it–holidays.

11 comments on “Why Saying “Happy Holidays” Proves that You’re a Child of Satan

  • Cheers, April!!!! (Just kidding) My religion does not celebrate Christmas or anything else at this time of year, but I like having a little fun, and seeing folks excited about family get-togethers and the fun little kids have (within reason) getting gifts. I think that’s good for all of us, a small bright spot in the midst of an admittedly commercial, gaudy, and at times hypocritical celebration. So have a good time in spite of and because of the plethora of feelings it evokes in some of us, from wanting to puke to wanting to love.. Enjoy.

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    • That’s why I celebrate it too, totally. I’ve been accused of being a hypocrite for celebrating Christmas when I’m so openly critical of modern Christianity, but the point that gets missed is that Christmas and Christianity really have nothing to do with each other. The traditions are stolen straight from the Pagan festival of Yule, and in fact the bible speaks out against the decorating of trees. I despise the commercialism of the holiday, but I celebrate it as more of a family tradition than anything else. It’s this: “I like having a little fun, and seeing folks excited about family get-togethers and the fun little kids have (within reason) getting gifts. I think that’s good for all of us, a small bright spot in the midst of an admittedly commercial, gaudy, and at times hypocritical celebration.” exactly. It makes the kids happy. It’s a chance to spoil them a little. And because winter nearly kills me every year, thanks to chronic depression, I need that. So I will have a good time, puke, love and all, and I wish you all could be here to celebrate with us. ❤

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