feeding reese’s pieces to the neighbor kid

Published July 29, 2011 by April Fox

me: do you know what color this one is?

short person: wed.

me: well, it’s orange. close enough. can you say orange?

sp: owange.

me: right on. now this will give you super powers if you eat it, ok? it will make you be good for your mom all day. go ahead, eat it up. ok, now what color is this one?

sp: bwue.

me: no, it’s only blue if you’re on crack. you’re not on crack. it’s yellow. can you say yellow?

sp: yewwow.

me: very good. this one will make you talk in a really deep voice. eat it up. ok, now say yellow, like this: yellow.

sp: yewwow.

me: awesome. ok now what color is this?

sp: bwue.

me: no, it’s not blue. are you high? it’s brown. ok? say brown.

sp: bwown.

me: good. now this one makes your pee turn blue. i’m not kidding. i know, it’s funny. pretty weird. ok now what color is this one? don’t say blue.

sp: *giggles* bwue.

me: no, no, no. really, what color is it?

sp: wed.

me: it’s yellow, silly.

sp: yewwow

me: haha, yeah, what is it?

sp: YEWWOOOOOWWWWWW

me: right on. eat ’em up.

i can’t wait for him to get all pissed off because his pee isn’t blue. or orange, or yewwow… it’s all the same to that kid.

i can’t decide whether i’m awesome, teaching a kid his colors in a quirky way, or an asshole who should have been sterilized at birth.

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