two in the morning, looking around.

Published July 19, 2011 by April Fox

i like when this happens.

i’m sitting in my little house-i’ve lived here almost two months now, long enough for dust to accumulate in the corners of the old hardwood floors and for the dishes to have settled in their permanent places in the cupboards. we’ve learned the creaky spots in the hall and we’re starting to remember that the back screen door swings shut just before you reach to open it the whole way.

i’ve been a mom for almost 20 years now. i’m used to the sounds of sleeping kids, the little sighs and movements… i can tell the difference between the shifting of a pillow underneath a little head and the shuffling of a blanket being kicked off of the bed. i can navigate almost sightlessly the ever-present obstacle course of barbie dolls and bicycle helmets that litter bedroom floors, and the fridge is almost always stocked with soy milk, grapes and strawberry jam. every morning is hugs and i missed you while we were sleeping and do you want cereal or waffles? every night is kisses, taking glasses off, the same near-reverent routines they’ve had since birth.

i’ve been in this relationship, first as friends and then as… this… for over a year now. i know the way he moves by heart, can predict the way he’ll stretch and turn when he’s waking up, and how he’ll turn on to his side to go to sleep. he is egg-in-a-hole and chorizo for breakfast, tie-dyed shirts and dashing hats, playing absently with his beard while he watches sci-fi on tv. his voice and hands are burned into my brain.

and still, at two in the morning, slouching on the loveseat writing tripe to pay the bills, sometimes i pause and look around and everything is new. the color of the walls, the batman helmet on the floor, the hippie curled on the couch and quiet snores from sleeping kids and darkness all around and it is light and new in here. it is familiar and it’s comfort and it’s somehow still remarkable and new.

i don’t know why that is. it’s surreal, almost. it’s incredible and wonderful and all i can think is how did i get so lucky? how amazing that we’re here.

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