or, how to become a menagerie in a few simple steps.
so last week, i posted a status update to the effect of wanting a kitten to sleep by my feet. i wasn’t entirely serious, i mean i was, because kittens are darling little fluffballs, but then they grow up and get knocked up when they slip out the door on the way to the appointment to get them fixed, and the next thing you know you have all kinds of darling little fluffballs climbing on the table and stealing your pepperoni and that just sucks.
but. i know a guy who knows a guy who has what i need… ok, they were women, but whatever. pretty soon i’m getting pictures of darling fluffballs sent to my phone by a lovely hairdresser who i’ve never met but knows one of my dearest friends in the world, and do i even need to tell you the next part? of course not, but i will. it went something like “omigoooooodness, wookit the wittle fwuffballs!” and then, because my smallest baby is no longer a baby and i’m feeling decidedly unloved these days, my ovaries migrated up to my brain and whispered “youuuuu neeeeeeed a kittehhhhhh”, and of course you can’t argue with ovaries, so i agreed. it was the only thing to do.
so then, seriously, it gets better, i find out that said lovely hairdresser has, at her disposal, a pair of very sweet and very homeless rats, complete with cage. now those of you who know me know that i am a sucker for rats. they’re beautiful, smart, friendly, and i kind of look like one, so i’m like really really into them. so of course (yup, you know it) i go “oooooooh, RATS! of course i want them!”
and so i’m supposed to go meet with rat cat lady next week, but today i posted a status update that said something like “grmph”, and she posts a comment asking do i want a kitty today. and OF COURSE i do, if you’re having a grmph day, then a kitty is almost certainly a good way to turn that around.
so off i go to meet her, and the kids are all excited and we get there and there are omigod SEVEN kitties. now, i knew this, but actually seeing them is a whole something else altogether. SEVEN darling little fluffballs, wee little things, and so i immediately decide that sun is my kitty, he’s wee and darling and a bit spastic, and then somehow we get on the topic of how we’ll have two dogs and two rats and only one kitty. the children, of course, think this is a travesty. (i was, naturally, dead set against the idea of two kitties. really, how irresponsible can you get?)
we left with two kitties. will be returning next week to retrieve the rats.
on the way home, we stop for kitty food, catnip (cause it’s not a cat if it’s not a drugged, psychotic cat, right?) and toys, and on the way out, night time rent-a-cop asks me if the kids are allowed to drink juice. so of course i’m thinking, um, did you rent the uniform from the costume shoppe? cause that sounds kind of creepy… but it turns out that they had this about-to-expire green shit, i mean they call it juice but it’s that colored sugar water in those little bottles with the caps that don’t really stay on so if you give it to your kid in the car it inevitably winds up all over the place, but only if you’re on the way TO somewhere, never if you’re on your way home FROM somewhere. anyway, they were giving that stuff away and i rarely buy it for the kids, so now they’re jacked up on ice cream from the ice cream truck (or the music truck, as my dear friend ellen’s poor hubby grew up believing it was), double kitty lovin’, and now omigod GREEN JUICE FOR FREE. they have inherited my love of bargains and free stuff, so they were more excited about that than the actual juice, i think.
anyway, we’re almost home when i go over a speed bump and omigod a turtle. slam on the brakes, jerk the car around in the next available spot, and go back to where he is, still cruising along, because you know. he’s a turtle. they’re slow. so i’m sitting there pondering how to get the turtle, cause there’s not really anyplace to pull over, and jess can’t hop out and get it because she’s holding the spare kitten, and i don’t really want to jump out and leave the kids in the car in the middle of the road, so luckily friendly jogger happens along, looks down at pokey turtle and says “oh, did you come back for this?” and i of course say “yes, would you hand him to me please?” and he does and jess says it’s a snapping turtle and jogger says it’s a box turtle and i think they’re both wrong, but then while i’m holding him i realize he’s kinda flat (but not like run over flat, just flat flat) and has this neon yellow on his face and these claws that are like, badger claws… so i’m trying to drive up lakeshore one-handed with the mutant turtle in the other hand trying to claw his way up my sleeve, and trying to get to the lake so i can drop him off, which let me tell you was NOT easy. so finally, i get there and there’s this nice couple who unfortunately had just got done walking around the lake and couldn’t drop the badger turtle off by the water, but they did check him out thoroughly and deem him a baby snapper, and dude says “see, if he bit you that would hurt” and then hands him back to me… so i leave kids and kittens in the car and run down the path-wrong way, turn around and go the other way… reach under a heap o’ thorny bushes to get mr. badgerclaws off the path and out of the way and FINALLY, finally i made it home.
and i forgot to make cobbler out of the berries zac picked, and i promised, so now i have to go do that.
the point of all of this is, don’t change your facebook status unless you’re prepared for an adventure, a major life change, or both.