the days are short in january, if you calculate by hours of light, but the darkness is what makes the days longer, really… summer has long hours of sun, but they pass like christmas when you’re five; too short and never enough time for everything. january’s hours are longer, endless sometimes, cold rain and grey skies conspiring with the clock to make your blood run slow and your eyelids heavy by four o’clock.
so we fill the hours with things that make them not heavy but simply full, weightless… chocolate cake soaked in bourbon (will i ever eat anywhere besides mother and son bistro? probably not); hula hoop marathons in the living room; long telephone conversations with friends, more laughter than words, and before long the hours are mere minutes and then it’s spring.
i am trying hard to fill my hours with things like that, and not with thoughts of things that can’t go wrong but that scratch at my brain anyway… my habit is to let everything go until it’s slapping me in the face all at once, and i am dialing phones and typing madly and regretting not connecting where i should have, sooner. so today, this january, i am stopping mid-sentence to play a quick game of tic-tac-toe with the baby or paint a moustache on a little cowboy. i’m forcing myself out from under the covers, talking to people and smiling and feeling better for it. rather than hitting the pause button and riding the last months of winter out in a cave, watching the world creep by, i am on fast-forward, making it pass quickly, giving it no choice but to fly.
it can’t last forever, right?